Turtle survives fire, could it be... Satan?

A turtle that was the lone animal survivor of a pet store fire is said by the owner to have the image of Satan on its shell. The owner claims his now demonic tortoise was perfectly normal before the fire. Now the flame resistant turtle is apparently a slow moving billboard for the Prince of Lies.

A recent study claims that kids who pledged to remain abstinent until marriage are having about as many problems with STDs as those who didn't, and are getting far more oral and anal than other kids. The study mostly consisted of giving surveys to teenagers, and we know how completely, 100% reliable those are. Unsubstantiated rumor indicates that when asked about their sexual activity, 53% of the abstinence pledging teens replied, "it's not immoral if it's only oral".

Finally, a wildly popular Japanese chewing gum claims to make breasts up to 80% bigger and better. Sales have exploded among women and, one would hope, dropped sharply among men.