Confession.

I confess. I did it. I started the War on Christmas. Sorry? Don't let the crazy man hurt me. Yes, I mean this crazy man...
Oh yeah, I also started the Culture War. My bad.

So what can we make up wars about this year? How will Bill O'Reilly, err... I get people riled up this year to boost my popularity? I just know I can make my viewership skyrocket if I can create enough righteous indignation. I need some ideas though. It's past Christmas and "the Culture War" is so overused by others. hmmm...

The War on Pencils. Notice how most people don't use pencils anymore? What's with that? If they do it's always some fancy mechanical pencil of the elite. Whatever happened to the traditional wooden pencil? Most places I can't even find a sharpener for one. I demand that our country's long tradition of wooden pencils be acknowledged and preserved. Everyone go to the store right now and buy classic wooden pencils. Don't settle for the 10 pack. Get the 50 pack!

The War on Peanuts. That's right, for years now peanuts have been under attack. The liberal elite media sensationalizes stories of allergic reactions to peanuts while ignoring their many benefits. It's time we as Americans took a stand for this protein rich legume! They're not only good for you, unless of course you have an allergic reaction and die, they are a rich part of our nation's heritage! Why, Jimmy Carter was raised on a peanut farm. The state of Georgia is The Peanut State (maybe.... I'm not really sure about Georgia and can't be bothered to look it up)! Let's take action! Every time we see a negative story about peanuts, like some allergic loser died, let's all go out and buy three more pounds of peanuts!